CCCC 9/7/04

Dear recipients of the bimonthly newsletter for the CCCC:

First of all, dear forging foresters of the great eight-foot weed, I wish to apologize for my lack of promptness in publishing your bimonthly installments...

However, seeing the incredible wrongness of the former statement, I indeed revoke my apology. Who even dares to confront my face, within which lie the secrets of the universe? Henquech!! I did not venture to believe so, incredulous peon. Be silent, fool. Your teeth shall be smashed with cords of plunder. Even still promptness will be upheld from this very nanosecond forward. It just so occurred that matters of greater importance superceded the need to ping pamphlets of freedom to the ones who matter most. But behold! I indeed care ragingly for these very substituents; I indeed care beurhastically. Believe my face when my mouth speaks: I was delayed.

Laying the former aside, I stand allowed to tackle issues of greater bombasticalness. I bring to the front lobe of your brains the discussion of stealth operations. I wish to emphasize the importance of this matter. Its importance cannot be underguesstimated. When in the field, in the office, behind the crowd, or wherever else your designated work stalks you, always remember to follow the Guidelines of Stealthiness.
1 - Nighttime - never operate under the exposure of ultraviolent light
2 - Night vision - mere mortal vision is not enough for your tedious work
3 - Nightly News - stay informed of upcoming opportunities and possible threats
4 - Knights in Armor - always, always equip yourself with the protective and stealth gear
In these guidelines you will find the necessary elements for a successful career in crop circle fabrication. Never operate under your own preconceptions, for the ways of mortals is all too common: six feet in the opposite direction of heaven.

In the last publication, I issued an assignment requesting action from a select group of elite individuals for the specific action of spying on Mr. Kerry. From the raw data gathered we processed possible scenarios of Mr. Kerry's actions. He may retaliate against our corporation secretly with privately-funded death squads, he may promote our organization indirectly despite his breaking away, or he may act indifferently toward us with implied remarks of sarcasm in our general direction. Whatever the case, let us not fear or sweat refusely because of this shell of a man, this squinching squid who lacks backbone.

On this tone I move to the warning of betrayal.

Beware of the spies! A fleeting idiot who decided not to follow the Guidelines of Stealthiness has indeed caused the delay which hast brought thy heart much grief. Indeed, this same individual has suffered a great loss, that is, his very own life. O, watch, dear flock, for the ravenous wolves, which bounce along the landscape like huge rubber balls looking for bones to munch. Mind the fellowship, for therein lies your substance for existence. Without fellowship, you are nothing, less than nothing, a bunch of atoms tormented in a bed of mud. I conjecture that no face wishes the blanket of nothingness upon itself. No! Hark, the herald flowing grains: fellowship remains the top priority, fowl. Mind the mind.

The enemy has many spies under his command. Villagers, rabbits, even mollusks may serve this diabolical function. Sharpen your mind with grinding stones of wisdom and personality ethics, wherein lie the secrets of success. Piltdown Paul indeed argues for the opposite; the rotten stench of wrongness indeed bakes in the sun on his doorstep. Fwike! He would demand that success lies in the so-bellowed "Character Ethics." No, no, no! A thousand times no! He couldn't be more wrong as an intellectual! If I set the notion in my mind to accomplish something, it shall be done. This is how I have operated my entire life! That is, except for family issues... but that blinks with burning neon NOT APPLICABLE. And finally, brethren, use the mind.

Within the millions... and millions... of peachy neurons in the lobes, a dormant force hides away in the hibernation of inactivity. However, my dear brothers, you can tap into this untamed beast. Unleash the monster within yourself. I see your eyes are burning in this stale atmosphere, wondering what needs be done to accomplish a purpose or enjoy happiness in life (which, by the way, you already have with the CCCC). How will this happen? I have the answer to this and everything else. However, as a keeper of the secrets of the universe, I can only reveal so much at this time. Therefore, I will only reveal to you two words: "Our Corporation". No, good friends, no more revealed secrets for today. Your mortal brains can only take so much before they quiver up and implode. And, as always, I wish you the best of muck, for the trenches of the corn fields aren't always pretty, and of course, we all aren't a bunch of "girly men," so stop your irreverent sobbing and stand up under your two sorry excuses for appendages.

Within and without the fields of service at the present ticking, I remain

Dr. Townsmite
Founder and CEO of the CCCC, in establishment since 1948

****Warning: manipulation or concatenation of the previous information will result in the manipulation of your various organ placements.****