CCCC 6/16/04

Dear recipients of the bimonthly newsletter for the CCCC:

Good day, fellow frock wearing substituentiaries! Finally, a new sun is rising over the highest peaks and melting the icy fog and warming our spirits! We have made it through the storm. I write this with every ounce of my soul drunk with many draughts of wine, as if emotion was a substance worth drinking and savoring, which I indeed do at this moment.

Red Heron Track 3 went amazingly and beurhastically well, mind you respective pessimistic substituents. You meant your words for evil, but Fate meant them to be dealt with laughter. Never underestimate the extreme genius potential of the connected mindfields of the CCCC. You have seen our enemies crumble as cookies in their own undergarments, that is to say implosion or being destroyed from within. How do you think the same fate won’t come to the traitor and the unregenerate?

Our contacts in the media successfully took the blueprints of the assignment and put them into graceful action, smeltering the American public mind into a mesh of limp noodles. As of now, our largest enemy, President Bush, is being made into a little child more and more as the days of slandering and biased media coverage continue. Before long our long-awaited contact, Mr. Kerry, will be swarming the white house with political force and will start transforming America into a breeding ground for excessive CCCC substituentuaries. Yes, yes, I can see it now, the days of glory rolling into perpetual goodness and utter happiness as we fellow crop circle fabricators get a chance to sit back comfortably in our suede sofas and sip on the wine of joyful emotion, reaping the harvest that we havest sown.

However, victory has not been issued completely to our cause. Work, indeed grueling, impeccable work remains in between us and the shining medal. I bring to your minds a warning of usurption. Do not trust anyone, except of course myself. But on a happier note, I have recently become aware that the assassination attempt on codename pburton has not been enacted to full incapacitation. This assassination was not one of ours, but of our enemies. As of now, pburton is being held hostage at a prisoner camp within the small country of Kuwait, indeed a Persian kitten. I call up shining mule track 4. I issue a direct operation for codenames strellick, tthomp, massenassassine, and wretchedflet. These respective officers will report to me for further details for the mission. Good luck, in ordinances and in stagnation.

I was truly saddened to hear of pburton’s death over a month ago, but this recent news of his survival despite captivity brings flipping shrieks of Freudian psyches to my mind. Pburton stood nobly as one of my most decorated and trusted associates as well as a secret agent and personal friend of mine own. Very versatile, pburton was. Bring him back to me, and the rewards will be fat and juicy.

As a few of you can tell, this message has been written with a tone of comfort and joy and hope for the future, which contrasts the tone of the previous message you received. This has occurred simply because circumstances are lifting up in countenance and our plans and efforts have reached a very critical and exciting point in this career.

Just think how a small band of rebels back in the early 1940’s could have grown so powerful and so great in just a short 60 years. Our lies and deceitful tactics have baffled the American public for years. Our efforts just recently within the past decade have pointed toward international opportunities. But with greater expanse comes greater necessary caution and defensive maneuvers. Although aged, I am still stronger than ever, especially in mind and spirit. This is why I preside over the organization. Believe me—were I in a stronger state of prime beef and body I would in definition be fighting alongside all of you fellow substituents. I almost burst with excitement and a desire to participate when I hear of your work in those fields, businesses, parliaments, bands of ruffians, military bases, and wherever else your fascinating work finds you. But remember—always be on the defensive and never reveal to anyone your secrets, especially your secrets about life, love, and the pursuit of heapingly sized cropcircles. I say this to your shame, as many potentially good substituents have turned against our cause and have been sadly eliminated. Fight on, good sirs, fight the good fight, run the race that is set before you, enduring the pains and toils for now, because one day, one day my dear friends you will see the light and the end of your work will be revealed in all its magnitude—a myriad of shining stars willingly bowing their light down to you in indentured servitude.

In glaringly snickerful craftiness and deception, I remain

Dr. Townsmite
Founder and CEO of the CCCC, in establishment since 1948

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