jerks anonymous

August 22nd, 2004... a date that will live... in inflammatory.

Has anyone ever known a big frightening jerk, namely, myself? [Begin nonsense text]: Sometimes I even surprise the camel by throwing him through the eye of a needle. Bug of course, we all know that there was a gate in Jerusalem called the "needle" gate, and if the camel got on all fours, it could get through. But have you ever located the eye of a gate? I didn't think so. Thus, moving on would be a brilliant idea.

Yes sir. I am a jerk face. A face that acts like a jerk. And the eye of the jerk couldn't even fit through the eye of the needle. Go chew on that. Yuche! Squid! Get it out! Get it out! Now it's in my bloodstream! But you know that probably the most painful way to die is infestation of the bloodstream by termites. Or fire ants. Whichever probably doesn't play that big of a role on Broadway, which, of course, featured OKLAHOMA! as opposed to CANNIBAL! as one of its earlier plays.

And, of course, remember to boycott Canadian syrup, and the "jaws of life". Hmph!

Because high fructose corn syrup clogs the neurons.

...so that would explain the... Why yes! Birth defects, demoralization, and making people stupider in general. Just think with me for a second... what could possibly be the cure for this epidemic of biblical proportions? could it be...... Pickle Octaline! Ding ding ding ding ding ding!

Johnny, TELL THEM WHAT THEY'VE WON!

An all expense paid trip down rt. 460 during RUSH HOUR!
Rt. 460, also known as ORANGE AVENUE, is well known for its retarted drivers and people who don't know how to merge! You'll be on the verge of laughing with RAGE! And on top of that, SLAMMING ON YOUR BRAKES TO ACCOMODATE OLD DRIVERS! But wait, THERE'S MORE! Gas prices that CONTINUE TO LOOM! Ahh, feel the nice breeze of car exhaust in your nasal sensoraries while maintaining an average speed of fifteen miles per hour. This paint fading paradise is sure to turn the most upholding citizens into MADMEN!

But never forget: your vices will backfire into your shenanigans! Unless a potato is stuffed in your tailpipe. If indeed subliminally voluptuous hot girls really do exist. But then again, there is no spoon, so if I say, "there is no wife," then perhaps I can shape and contort her to make her indeed into a subliminally voluptuous velociraptor. Why the heck is it a velociraptor? As if it has a lot of velocity, which may or may not be true, but isn't the main characteristic ferociosity? Why then aren't they called ferociraptors? Either way, Jurassic Park three failed to fail to s(hrink). Actually, the plot line would have proved realistic if the survivors had been eaten within minutes of the plane crash. And more fun to watch. "Heh heh, look at those losers! Loser! he he ha!" chomp! crowcggguguhgg aarrrggghhh! neowgurghtcgehcgn! scratch rip rip chompf------ The following has been edited out to preserve this email's pg-13 rating. Sorry for any mishaps.

Go chomp a hambone and gnaw for hours on end. Then and only then will the reality that nothing separates us from the animal kindom sink in. Because oddity only remains oddity if the hunk of meat is afresh and sparkling. But not all sparkling beverages contain alcohol, mind you.

[End nonsense text]: Well, am or am I not a jerk? I certainly know I am. I am quite a sore loser when it comes to board games. I'll admit that. But you've caught me on a rare occasion, my ever-undivided audience. You've caught a rare glimpse past the painted pristine shutters and into the windows of my soul. I, as many others are, am human. And who ever said humans were perfect? Well, um, eh, c..., t..., just..., cripe! Noone, are you happy? Now ya done went and made me look like a fool in wool.

This email was suddenly and deliberately attacked (ended) on August 22nd, twenty O four.
p.s. bye -DiggyDon

p.p.s.- The reason Oklahoma! keeps popping up is mainly because I played the piano for the production for my alma mater. Just thought I'd do you a favor and letcha know.